


Forever

by Eevee10



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Character Death, Grief/Mourning, IT'S VERY SAD, Levi deals with losing Erwin, M/M, Nightmares, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Return to Shiganshina Arc Spoilers (Shingeki no Kyojin), Spoilers for Season 3, Survivor Guilt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-26
Updated: 2021-01-26
Packaged: 2021-03-12 10:02:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,392
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29008746
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Eevee10/pseuds/Eevee10
Summary: "I still need him. Screw humanity. I need to feel him next to me, I need his smile and his messy hair in the morning. I need him because, without him, I’m so alone."Levi deals with Erwin's death and the aftermath of his choice between his Commander and Armin. Very sad, quite messy, like the thoughts of someone in Levi's shoes.Spoilers for the first 3 seasons of Attack on Titan. Erwin's death crushed me and I need to vent.Feedback is much appreciated!
Relationships: Levi & Erwin Smith, Levi/Erwin Smith
Kudos: 39





	Forever

I’m back there, back on that goddamn roof. I’m holding the syringe, I have rolled Erwin’s sleeve up and I’m ready to give him the titan formula, the only thing that can save his life. Without warning, his body comes alive. He grasps my wrist and pulls me near. His eyes are bright, but it’s not the flame I’ve come to recognize. There’s anger in them. And it’s addressed to me.  
“Are you happy now, Levi? Are you content? You saved a younger, smarter, healthier, able-bodied soldier instead of me” he barks  
“No, I’m going to save you!” I answer, shocked at his accusations.  
“How can you? You already used up the serum” he says. My eyes land on the syringe in panic, and he’s right. It’s empty. The vial in my other hand is empty as well.  
“How could you? How could you make that choice for me? I wasn’t ready to die! Humanity needs me! You need me, Levi! Do I mean nothing to you?” he continues, each question a knife in my chest, each statement so true it hurts. I try to stammer something, to reply, I look into his eyes and they are wet with tears and he coughs up blood in my face, he falls back, he doesn’t move again and I am falling off of that roof, falling, falling…

I wake up in my bed. Our bed. Drenched in sweat, like I have found myself waking up ever since we returned from Shiganshina. I blink a few times, and light the lamp I have on the nightstand with a match. I sit up and look around. He used to be everywhere in this room. His jacked used to hang on the hook by the door, next to mine. His shaving kit used to sit neatly by the bathroom sink, along with his toothbrush. His books used to pile on the table we used as a desk.   
Now his stuff is gone. It’s a formality, but the military takes all of the previous Commander’s belongings that are, well, military relevant. And since Erwin cared little for anything else, all I have left is a couple of pictures. Him as a child and him with his friends the day they enrolled in the Survey Corps.   
I look next to me, the empty spot that has his shape on my single-and-a-half bed. Someone might think that we’d need at least a double bed to fit us comfortably, but the way our bodies locked made this piece of wood and mattress the perfect haven. In this bed, we came alive after our missions, he held me through the worst, I took care of him when he lost his arm. If anyone should be here alone, it should be him.  
I remember my dream. I know it’s my own fears and guilt that surface as I sleep, but I see him every night. Regardless of what I said to those kids out there, I often wonder if I made the right choice. And in here, in my small but painfully empty room, I allow myself to think selfishly.   
Dream-Erwin is right. I still need him. Screw humanity. I need to feel him next to me, I need his smile and his messy hair in the morning. I need him because, without him, I’m so alone. Unlike what dream-Erwin says, he meant the world to me. And now he’s gone. I made that choice. I killed him. I couldn’t even kiss him goodbye…   
I get up and head to the bathroom. I splash cold water on my face and look at my reflection in the mirror. I'm slimmer than usual if that's even possible. My eyes seem darker, sunk in my skull. I've been barely eating, barely sleeping since then. Hange is bugging me to fix that, to catch up on meals and sleep. But I can't. Every time I sit in front of a plate, every time I close my eyes, all I think of, all I see, is his dying face. I can't do anything about it.   
I look around the bathroom. Hange thought it was a good idea to take whatever of his the military left me. She thinks it's a faster way for me to get through it. She can't understand. At this point, I wish I had his shaving kit or his towel. Anything to remember him by. They didn't even let me keep his bolo tie. I'm afraid that soon I'll forget how he even looked like.   
I go back to bed. I'm not going to sleep, I know that much. Still, I turn off the lamp and get under the covers. I haven't changed the sheets since we came back. Under normal circumstances, I would have changed them the moment we returned. But I can't. I discovered that, if I bury my face in Erwin's pillow, I can still smell him. It's like the ghost of his scent lingers only there. Like he's trying to help me sleep, although we all know I can't.   
In the darkness, I pull my legs to my chest and hug them. How did it all go this wrong? He wasn't supposed to put himself into this much danger. When I told him to charge, I made the decision for him. He was scared, I saw it. Since he lost his arm, he felt like dead weight. He even appointed Hange as his successor way before he was in any real danger of getting killed. He always believed he was replaceable, that humanity would always go on, even without him. I disagree. We only got this far thanks to him and his bets. He was a betting man, Erwin. But the stakes were always ridiculously high with him. The price was always his career, his life, or the fate of humanity. He was our symbol of hope. But for me, he was my savior. Before him, all I had was a short life in the Underground. After he recruited me, my lifespan would remain as short, but at least I would be of use to someone. I'd be of use to him. I don't remember when I fell for him. But I did. Hard. And I’m not sure if I fell for his stoic look or his big dreams.   
The room starts to light up. Dawn is coming, apparently. I have no idea how long it’s been since I crawled in this position. Soon, I’ll have to get up and face another day. Without him. At first, I wanted to follow him. I thought about climbing to the top of the wall, at the crack of dawn, stand at the very edge, and look far. Then, as the newborn sun greeted this world, I’d take one more step and fall 50 meters to my death. And I’d be happy because that would mean I’d have a chance to see him again. Or at least, it would end the pain. But then I figured that, if I died now, without completing my mission, his demise would be for nothing. His last order to me was to kill the Beast Titan. His last plan almost succeeded. I should have killed that man the moment I pulled him out of his titan body. I should have served Erwin justice. But I wasn’t fast enough, I wasn’t good enough. Humanity’s strongest my ass. He was the strong one. The smart one. The brave one. I’m just a kid from the sewers.   
Erwin wanted the truth. As I get up and start getting dressed, I think of him. His handsome smile that I rarely saw, his azure eyes that seemed to look at the world like it was his oyster, like it was a beautiful place for him to explore. I can almost feel his strong arms embracing me as I pull on my shirt. Both his arms. I made him a promise. I made a choice. I must honor it.   
As I exit the bedroom I once shared with the one person I ever loved this much, I renew my vow. I’ll complete my mission. I’ll find the truth. And then I’ll whisper it to you, between dark and dawn, where I know you can almost hear me. I promise, Erwin Smith. I promise I’ll make you proud. I promise I’ll love you. Forever.


End file.
